Laughter ~ the Sweetest Medicine for Mind and Body
Laughter relaxes the whole body...boosts the immune system...triggers release of endorphins...protects the heart...burns calories...lightens anger's heavy load...may even help you to live longer!
You know why women like men in uniform?
Because we women know they can follow orders! (Anonymous)
Old Guys Make the Best Soldiers!
“I'm a pensioner and the army forces think I'm too old to track down terrorists!
If you're over 42, then you can't join the military. They've got their whole system backwards! Instead of sending 18-year-olds to war zones, they should take us old guys.
They shouldn't let you join the military until you're at least 35!
“18-year-olds have been proven to think about sex every 10 seconds, while pensioners only think about it once or twice a month. This leaves us an extra 280,000 seconds per day to focus on the enemy.
“Young soldiers don't have enough life experience to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a terrifying soldier! ' I'm tired and hungry, my back hurts, I can't sleep! Aaaargh!'
“We're impatient and bad-tempered, so perhaps letting us kill some jerk
who desperately deserves it, will cheer us up and keep us quiet.
“18-year-olds never usually get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always wake up early to pee! Besides, like I've already said, 'since I can't get to sleep...I may as well be off killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch! If they capture us, we'd never spill the beans, because we wouldn't remember where we put them. Name, rank and serial number would be a huge braintaser!
“Old guys would ace boot camp! We're used to people yelling at us...and we're accustomed to eating soft food. We also have a deep appeciation of firearms. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get away from all the yelling!
“They could lighten up on the obstacle course, though. I've been in combat, but I've never come across a 20-foot wall with ropes hanging over either side! They can probably get rid of the running part as well. I've never seen anybody outrun a bullet!
“18-year olds have their whole lives ahead of them. They should still be learning how to shave...and how to talk to pretty girls. They still haven't even figured out how to properly wear a baseball cap!
“These are all good reasons why we should keep our kids at home.
“Let us old guys track terrorists down! No enemy wants to see a couple million hacked-off old farts, with automatic weapons and with bad attitudes...who know that their best years are behind them!
“And what about recruiting women in their 50's...in menopause?
You think only men have a bad attitude? You ain't seen nothing yet! If nothing else, they can be put on 'border control'! It'll be secured by the end of the first night!
(With thanks to one of my readers re the above submission)
“Brotherhood means: I will always come for you, no matter what the cost!”
Pregnant With Doubt: When the sergeant told our new commander, his driver could not participate in an upcoming field maneuver because she was pregnant, the enraged commander demanded to know how pregnant she was. The sergeant's reply was, “Completely, Sir!”
The Deadliest Job in WWII: My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about WWII. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, gingerly I asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?” Dad became quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said,
“Probably. I was the cook.”
Never Lose a Tank: When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That's why the Navy captain goes down with the ship!
Military Lesson ~ Never Volunteer: During basic training at Fort Leavenworth, our sergeant asked if anyone had 'artistic abilities'. Having been an architectural draftsman in civilian life, I raised my hand. Then the sergeant announced that everyone would get a 3-day pass...except me. I would stay behind and neatly print each soldier's name onto his Army-issued underwear.
In college, my freshman-year roommate was in ROTC
and came from a long line of military men. Trask (his last name) used that heritage to 'lord' it over me. But I had the last laugh. Upon his return that night in his perfectly pressed uniform, his newly acquired name tag in hand, reluctantly he showed it to me. In large gold letters was printed TRASH.
The Time-Travelling Soldier: When a soldier came to the clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an attractive young technician. Some time later, when the examination was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. The soldier remarked, “How long was in there?”
Airman Express: My friend, an Air Force officer, was riding his scooter when he passed an airman who didn't salute! My friend stopped, turned around and glared at the airman. “Thanks for coming back for me,” the airman said, jumping on the back of the scooter. “Airmen's Mess, Sir!”
Confessions of a Military Wife: My husband is infantry and he said the most wonderful things to convince me to marry him. The closets could all be mine since he wears the same thing every day. I could have as many babies as I want because giving birth is free. He would never get on my nerves because he would usually be gone.
An Army of None: We were an Air Force family, but our young son could not grasp that fact. Anytime when asked what his father did, he'd say, “He's in the Army.” I told him umpteen times, “Stop telling people I'm in the Army!!!” It finally seemed to hit home because on the kindergarten admittance form for “father's profession”, the teacher wrote, “He doesn't know...but he's not in the Army!”
Bad Soldier Mistakes: It's important that soldiers learn from their mistakes, otherwise, they're bound to repeat them at inopportune moments. One soldier who replied, “I was cold” was reprimanded as being not a sufficient reason for being caught in the female barracks!
Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of the ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there!
The Meaning of War: Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography!
Compiled by Merle Baird-Kerr...November 4, 2017